Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
