Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
