Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
