i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
