im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
