how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I love having hate sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Who died my cat blue again?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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