people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
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That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos