I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
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I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween