i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
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Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.