If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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