Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
