hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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