I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
