I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
