Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
