so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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