shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
