Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
