Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
