Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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