I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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