if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
