i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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