Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
