I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
