When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We need to get me chipped asap
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
