then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
That's what I'm talking about
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life