Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
