I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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