I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I AM VODKA MAN
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
