And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
