She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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