1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
ttyl tear gas
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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