Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
