Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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