my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
