We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
