so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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