Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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