Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
