Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
