I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
