And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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