i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
