is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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