not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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