why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
