No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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