My sheets look like a crime scene.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
