I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
