i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
