i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
