Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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