No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
