I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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