Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
