A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
