I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
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I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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