He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
