We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
